Targets in communication

Just like the great Zig Ziglar says: "you can not make it as a wandering generality, you have to become a meaningful specific". This has been a phrase that has guided me through life and when it comes to communications it still is just as valid.

Before starting any communication, verbal or nonverbal you have to know what outcome you desire. If I have to spend time with someone for anything, what do I want from them? is it a sales call and my target is a sell? is it a flirt and the target is emotional? is it some confrontation where I have to look as dangerous as I can to survive?

The outcome or target is something you have to know before you start the communication. say someone bumps into you and you turn around to yell "watch where you're walking!". what is your desired outcome? is it an apology? how far are you ready to take it?

The target you have set for the case will impact your body language and as we all know, your body language will have an effect on the overall communication. So next time you decide to go to someone to say hi, or pick up the phone to call a prospect know exactly what you want, you'll be surprised with the result.

Social interractions

I can't imagine a social interraction that doesn't include some kind of dominant - submitted relation. In every scenario one party is dominant and the other party has somewhat less power. We might think that conflicts arise when two parties see themselves on the same level or feels challenged in some way but yet taking any single moment we see that one party has the upper hand.

We seem to go through different states of mind (ego states) during the day or even during a single communication. You can start a very mature conversation with a grown up but end up feeling you are trying to convince a stubborn 8 years old to eat his vegetables.
Of course you are the one to blame in such cases... really.
This means you did or said something to trigger a defensive response in the other person or in this example you just called the child in them. Usually this means that the controlling adult in you took over which in turn triggered the child in the other person.
This can be very as simple as:
- "do it!"
- "no I won't!"

When confronted to this situation, the body language of the 8 years old will instantly surface; crossing the arms for example and to be able to move forward, you will then have to disengage the "child mode".
There can be many reason that lead to this reaction but we can say that the main reasons are: challenge of the control or an attack on their dignity. It is known that most confrontations are a result of a perceived challenged of control. Nobody likes to loose control and when faced with it we tend to react.
Challenging the knowledge of someone on a subject is one of the examples we can give. As a salesman I often face this situation with customers that have a very limited knowledge on the subject (IT security for those who care) and I often have to confront them. The moment I correct them or tell them they are wrong I come face to face with the "child" who closes all possible communication. I then have to give them back control and I usually use something like "apart from the technical aspect, how would you say we move on the subject" and I shut up. Crucial as you have to let the other party blow off steam and make up for the injury you just caused.

Simple enough as long as you keep in mind that sooner or later the child will surface. So expect it, be ready for it and the moment you see it, give back full control or the child can quickly turn into Chucky.

Filters and Labels

Our daily interractions usualy happen so fast that we seldom have time to think about the other party. For me, thnking about the other party means that we need to take time and detail the character of the other person. I consider television to be a bad influence as almost all characters have only a single trait; the good guys, the bad guys, the helpers, the beautiful girl, the helpful stranger, the mean shopkeeper, etc... This makes it easier for us to follow the plot as we don't have to deal with various facades of every single cast. However, as we take this approach to our real life we start to loose a very important part of the communication process; the other person as a whole.

We seem to be predisposed to categorize others based on as little information as possible, maybe as part of our fight or flight response or maybe due to the number of interactions we have daily. You can think of all salesmen as pushy or you can be intimidated by every policeman or you can admire firemen, no matter what your categories and the labels you gave them are they are not enough as far as effective communication and body language reading are concerned. You can have a "nurse" category, with the "good", "helpful" and "nice" labels attached to it and you can classify every nurse you meet under it. However, this is not enough to understand what she really means when asked about a patient when she says "you'll really have to talk to the doctor about that". Is it just because she believes that the doctor will be able to give a better description of the patient's situation or does she want the doctor to tell you that your patient just died?
On a similar way, you can not expect to approach every nurse in every situation in the same way and be able to convince them to let you see someone after visiting hours.

Labels and filters can be very useful for anyone that wants to have effective communication as they will halp the other party to put you in a category or in this case in the category you want them to put you in. Do you want to be perceived as trustworthy, do you want to be seen as someone nobody would like to mess with? Usually labels are the same within the same culture at any given time. For example even the following words can be enough to create a specific image in your head: leather jackets, tattoos, long hair and beard. Or we can try: Suit, laptop case, glasses, Rolex watch. No matter where you livei these are some labels that trigger a specific response.

As members of the same society or cultural group we already should be familiar when labels and the categories they trigger, this should give us enough leverage to give our message across. However, as we want to be able to communicate effectively we should be aware of these labels and try to avoid them as much as we can. We should concentrate on the situation at hand not on genrealities. Back to our nurse example; her age, the length of her shift, the time of the day, if she's married, how happy or bored she looks, the way she wears her hair, etc... all these will give us indications on how to approach this specific nurse and how to communicate with her. 

Slippery

Beside many clues that can usually give away signs of deception, I believe the Freudian Slip is one of the easiest to spot.

It is supposed that the deceiver forgets the lie and that truth just pops out. As my general approach to life, I don't believe in "easy". So I'd be the last to buy the idea that the truth can "just fall off" but there is a part of it I take seriously: it gives insight to the ongoing train of thoughts.

Ever read an email while talking on the phone? Ever "inserted" a word from the mail to the phone conversation without noticing and only realised it when your sentence lost its meaning? Well, that's the slip as far as I go.
The slip gives me a word or a snapshot of the ideas being processed. I only take note of the nature of the word: is it a positive one? Is it related to the current discussion? Is it a person? An object? As I said, just a clue that could mean something... Or not.

What's Missing?

The fight or flight response mentioned in the previous post can be a real friend for anyone who wants to spot lies. This response will give you the imporession something is missing almost as if you had forgotten something. However, most of the time the "noise" in the communication will cover this feeling and this is exacty why we fall for deception. It seems we never ask the questions we should.

As lies are common practice in my part part of the world and almost a must in the business environment I constantly have to ask this question. Usualy what's missing is quite obvious and prevents me from serious stress later on. A person presenting himself as well connected politically and wealthy shouldn't schedule a meeting at a local coffee shop and come to the meeting with a A class car (also known as small, average and cheap car). What's missing can aslo be action, a business woman who is supposed to manage a salesforce making over 3 million euros per month should have her cell phone ringing at least once over a 4 hours meeting.

Usualy people who are trying to deceive us will try to put some kind of pressure so we don't have time or aren't in the mental state to ask this question. That's why we fall for deals that are too good to be true.
The basic trule can be to handle every interaction as a seperate entity, who is the other party? What is the subject? what's at stake? what's the price? and What's missing?

Fight or Flight Response

The very basic instinct of any animal in any situation is to decide whether to "stay" or to "run". The same basic decision applies to any social situation we face and most of the time the decision is made in the subconcious level. The salesman entering a prospect's office will trigger one of these response which will result in a sale or loss. The same split second decision is also made when faced with a potential flirt, do we like them enough to get to know them better or do we give them the cold shoulder?

Paralinguistics can be used to generate a favorable decision in either case. A warm and genuine smile, slightly leaning toward the other person, standing on their right, using their names in any occasion are very basic signals we can give the other party so they don't give a "flight response".

In today's world we also have to consider the way we dress as a part of the non-verbal communication process. The basic rule is to "dress the part". We have general stereotypes in our heads, the salesman, the manager, the handyman... A failure to conform to these stereotypes will result in a "flight response" as they will notice something isn't right. Remember, the flight response of a prospect is the flight response of your commision.
Personal hygiene or accessories can also tip the balance in one direction or the other. A handyman wearing a rolex or grease stain on a salesman's tie can be considered as alerts. Just as the sun tan around your ring finger will be an alarm for any flirt you might think of having.

Half a communication

Body language can easily be understood only as a way for reading other people. We should however keep in mind that communication in its broadest sense has at least 4 components; the sender, the receiver, the message and the noise. At any moment all these are in action and they all affect each other.

When in the receiving position you have to adjust your body language in a way to encourage the sender. This can have the immediate effect of getting people to like you. It will also be helpful as people will be more eager to talk to you.

You should face the sender of the message, always or whenever possible, thus cars and movie theatres are a poor choice for communication.

You should also lean slightly toward the other person, keep eye contact and nod or smile accordingly. Smile usually works unless the subject is grim and the nod will keep them talking. When you nod, the sender of the message understands the message is going through and keeps sending new information. This avoids any interruption in the train of tought they'd usually make to get an input from you.

As a salesman, I know most of my sales are made by listening to the prospect and not going on for hours about some technical details of my products. Listening helps me first of all, better connect to the customer and gives me a better understanding of their needs.

Keeping track of your own body language while listening and trying to read the sender's body language at the same time can be challenging at first but it's very important. Your body language can affect the other person's body language thus misleading you on the reading. For example, people tend to mimic each other's gestures involuntarily thus, the other person might have crossed their arms because you just did it. One part's body language can only be half the communication.