Liars

Trying to understand the real intention of people is possibly the real reason I got involved in paralanguage in the first place. As a salesman you have to be able to read the customer, see what they fear, what they like, what keeps them from giving you the order... basically, anything that stands between you and your commission.

I don't know if it's specific to the market I'm operating in or if it's the M.O. of any prospect out there but it seems that lying is primary reflex. There are many "tells" that gives lies away; the eyes, the posture, the hands, etc...
We know that hands play a very important role in body language, whether they are used to threaten someone, to accuse someone, to deny something, or anything else.

The "hand over the mouth" can be the first clue of a deception. Although very basic it still has to be handled with care as, for example, it can easily be confused with the evaluating gesture where the hand is also around the mouth. Context, context and more context then.

If someone covers their mouth while speaking with their hands, their fist or even just a couple of finger it's usualy a sign of deception. However, you can also see this when YOU are speaking which could mean that the other person isn't entirely conviced by what you are saying.

Reading the face

One of the basic examples given in the field of non verbal communication is certainly the "a smile that doesn't involve the entire face, but is limited to the mouth, is often a fake smile".
The face provides us with obvious and very concealed clues at the same time. The involvement of the forehead or timing difference between the speech and the emotions on the face can be easily spotted whereas other clues such as micro expressions are much harder to catch.

On a totally philosophical note; I believe stories are the most important form of communication. From cave paintings telling hunting stories to million dollar advertising campaigns, from the door-to-door salesman to the girl you just met, everyone is telling a story.

Or at least they try. Some have a good story and they tell it well so they succeed, others can't even put together a mediocre story so failure is guaranteed. In this perspective, deception is story telling.

There are many ways to understand if someone is lying and the easiest way is certainly face to face. Other situations involving telephone or emails can be more challenging. There are dozens of ways to understand if someone is lying in face to face situations but before getting to more complicated clues, eyes can tell a lot. Here we will focus on the direction the eyes look.

Just look at the drawing below;

To summarize;
1: Creating a visual scenario (making up images)
2: Creating an auditory scenario (making up sounds)
3: Feelings are involved
4: Remembering a visual situation (recalls something seen before)
5: Remembering an auditory situation (recalls something heard before)
6: Talking to self

These basic clues can be used in many different situations, please don't confine them to lie/truth situations. For example if someone goes from 1 to 6 when you are presenting a new project it can be a good sign; they have visualized it and are discussing the matter internally.

Don't forget to observe as many as people as you can, the truth is out there... on other people's face

Body Language Fundamentals

The non verbal side of communication has some similarities with the verbal part. One of the key points to consider when trying to understand non verbal communication is that at any given time the body is a sentence not a word.

The smile is a word, the crossed arms are another word but the message the body gives isn’t limited to either of them, it’s the way they come together that creates any meaning. A laugh can be a laugh, certainly, but when combined with tense body actions and eyes that seem to search for an exit, the laugh becomes a nervous laugh. Thus the difference between someone who enjoys your presence and someone who is desperate to leave.

In any situation, whether it’s trying to figure out a lie, call a bluff or know when it’s time to take the flirt to the next level, we should remember that no single gesture can have a meaning. The body language should be seen as a whole including the situation (context), the social and cultural background of the the other person, their motives, the “normal” behavior you should expect in this situation, the facial expressions, the micro expressions, the position of the body and gestures. Too much information to process? For most of us all these are already perceived and analyzed subconsciously on a daily basis. All these combined with several other elements make that, for example, you like some people the moment you meet them while you never get really comfortable around others.

The difficulty is to be able to process all these elements on a conscious level and reach a decision based on facts more than on your guts. Of course we have a hard time getting rid of all social and cultural preconceptions (not to say prejudice) you have accumulated so far.

The key to reading body language effectively is closely related to your observation skills. The best thing to do is to practice. Watch people around you at work, at the mall, at the restaurant, at the airport. Try to see the difference between the salesman who just closed and to one who just lost a customer. See how different the married couple and the young couple interact with each other at lunch.

The more you observe the easier you’ll see the differences, in fact you’ll “feel” them without really being sure what made you think this rather than that. But the why isn’t really important for now, just try to get the hang of observing people around you. We will complete the puzzle piece by piece as we go along. 

Territorial matters

On several occasions I experienced a very singular feeling during my school years. You might also remember “that moment when some other kid was sitting at your usual place when you where late to class”… weird wasn’t it? You were so used to sitting there that you didn’t even know you didn’t have a plan B when it came to matters of sitting order. 

I didn’t know back then that there was a science behind my weird feeling…

Proxemics…

Edward T. Hall used the term during his studies on zones of territories and their uses. Hall came up with 4 distinct zones in which we mostly operate:

1. Intimate distance: for lovers, children, close relatives and friends, etc.
2. Personal distance: Friends, colleagues, group discussions, etc.
3. Social distance: people met recently, strangers, etc.
4. Public distance: audiences, larger groups, etc.

The key here is to understand the value the other person is giving these distances and the “acceptable” distance for the situation you are in. The context is very important as we can’t have a proper “reading” regarding the zone otherwise. A member of the opposite sex can be in your “intimate zone” as a result of a flirt or it can be due to the fact you are in a crowded and loud bar where he/she has to be close so you can hear each other. 

Hall’s studies on the matter can be summarized with the following diagram:

You can conduct your own experiments on this matter very easily in your everyday life. Approach any stranger more than an arm’s length to ask for directions and see them take a step back… most of the time they won’t even notice what they did. Try to occupy more than your half of a cafeteria table when eating with a friend to see how uncomfortable you can make them… Although more confrontational arm rests at cinemas are also a good example. 

So what’s all this got to do with your desk back at school? it was part of your territory, just like you spot on the couch, the bench at the park, the seat in the meeting room…

Depending on the desired outcome of any negotiation you can choose to make the other person more comfortable or more uncomfortable just by respecting or disrespecting their territories.

Please note that this matter is very “culture sensitive” meaning that for example the “social zone” in the Middle East is about as wide as the “intimate zone” in western countries. As I said beware of the context.  

Paralanguage

Paralanguage can be described as the non-verbal part of a communication. After many years spent studying, reading, practicing, experimenting and failing at non-verbal communication I’m still amazed by the endless possibilities this field offers in our everyday life. 

The field itself extends way beyond the familiar “scratching your nose when you lie” or “play with your hair when you flirt” and these description can only be mediocre caricatures of everything the body tells during any conversation.

I like the idea of being able to use findings of this field for more than just catching a lie or perceiving a flirt. I like getting a customer to open up on the real concerns he/she has on finalizing the deal with us. I enjoy observing people, understanding their existing mindset and establishing a quick and strong bond with anyone in any social situation. 

So, let us start our journey that will cross paralanguage in all its splendor ranging from corporate communication to political propaganda, from door to door selling to down and dirty flirting tips… basically every communication that makes the world go around. 

Welcome all