Targets in communication

Just like the great Zig Ziglar says: "you can not make it as a wandering generality, you have to become a meaningful specific". This has been a phrase that has guided me through life and when it comes to communications it still is just as valid.

Before starting any communication, verbal or nonverbal you have to know what outcome you desire. If I have to spend time with someone for anything, what do I want from them? is it a sales call and my target is a sell? is it a flirt and the target is emotional? is it some confrontation where I have to look as dangerous as I can to survive?

The outcome or target is something you have to know before you start the communication. say someone bumps into you and you turn around to yell "watch where you're walking!". what is your desired outcome? is it an apology? how far are you ready to take it?

The target you have set for the case will impact your body language and as we all know, your body language will have an effect on the overall communication. So next time you decide to go to someone to say hi, or pick up the phone to call a prospect know exactly what you want, you'll be surprised with the result.

Social interractions

I can't imagine a social interraction that doesn't include some kind of dominant - submitted relation. In every scenario one party is dominant and the other party has somewhat less power. We might think that conflicts arise when two parties see themselves on the same level or feels challenged in some way but yet taking any single moment we see that one party has the upper hand.

We seem to go through different states of mind (ego states) during the day or even during a single communication. You can start a very mature conversation with a grown up but end up feeling you are trying to convince a stubborn 8 years old to eat his vegetables.
Of course you are the one to blame in such cases... really.
This means you did or said something to trigger a defensive response in the other person or in this example you just called the child in them. Usually this means that the controlling adult in you took over which in turn triggered the child in the other person.
This can be very as simple as:
- "do it!"
- "no I won't!"

When confronted to this situation, the body language of the 8 years old will instantly surface; crossing the arms for example and to be able to move forward, you will then have to disengage the "child mode".
There can be many reason that lead to this reaction but we can say that the main reasons are: challenge of the control or an attack on their dignity. It is known that most confrontations are a result of a perceived challenged of control. Nobody likes to loose control and when faced with it we tend to react.
Challenging the knowledge of someone on a subject is one of the examples we can give. As a salesman I often face this situation with customers that have a very limited knowledge on the subject (IT security for those who care) and I often have to confront them. The moment I correct them or tell them they are wrong I come face to face with the "child" who closes all possible communication. I then have to give them back control and I usually use something like "apart from the technical aspect, how would you say we move on the subject" and I shut up. Crucial as you have to let the other party blow off steam and make up for the injury you just caused.

Simple enough as long as you keep in mind that sooner or later the child will surface. So expect it, be ready for it and the moment you see it, give back full control or the child can quickly turn into Chucky.

Filters and Labels

Our daily interractions usualy happen so fast that we seldom have time to think about the other party. For me, thnking about the other party means that we need to take time and detail the character of the other person. I consider television to be a bad influence as almost all characters have only a single trait; the good guys, the bad guys, the helpers, the beautiful girl, the helpful stranger, the mean shopkeeper, etc... This makes it easier for us to follow the plot as we don't have to deal with various facades of every single cast. However, as we take this approach to our real life we start to loose a very important part of the communication process; the other person as a whole.

We seem to be predisposed to categorize others based on as little information as possible, maybe as part of our fight or flight response or maybe due to the number of interactions we have daily. You can think of all salesmen as pushy or you can be intimidated by every policeman or you can admire firemen, no matter what your categories and the labels you gave them are they are not enough as far as effective communication and body language reading are concerned. You can have a "nurse" category, with the "good", "helpful" and "nice" labels attached to it and you can classify every nurse you meet under it. However, this is not enough to understand what she really means when asked about a patient when she says "you'll really have to talk to the doctor about that". Is it just because she believes that the doctor will be able to give a better description of the patient's situation or does she want the doctor to tell you that your patient just died?
On a similar way, you can not expect to approach every nurse in every situation in the same way and be able to convince them to let you see someone after visiting hours.

Labels and filters can be very useful for anyone that wants to have effective communication as they will halp the other party to put you in a category or in this case in the category you want them to put you in. Do you want to be perceived as trustworthy, do you want to be seen as someone nobody would like to mess with? Usually labels are the same within the same culture at any given time. For example even the following words can be enough to create a specific image in your head: leather jackets, tattoos, long hair and beard. Or we can try: Suit, laptop case, glasses, Rolex watch. No matter where you livei these are some labels that trigger a specific response.

As members of the same society or cultural group we already should be familiar when labels and the categories they trigger, this should give us enough leverage to give our message across. However, as we want to be able to communicate effectively we should be aware of these labels and try to avoid them as much as we can. We should concentrate on the situation at hand not on genrealities. Back to our nurse example; her age, the length of her shift, the time of the day, if she's married, how happy or bored she looks, the way she wears her hair, etc... all these will give us indications on how to approach this specific nurse and how to communicate with her. 

Slippery

Beside many clues that can usually give away signs of deception, I believe the Freudian Slip is one of the easiest to spot.

It is supposed that the deceiver forgets the lie and that truth just pops out. As my general approach to life, I don't believe in "easy". So I'd be the last to buy the idea that the truth can "just fall off" but there is a part of it I take seriously: it gives insight to the ongoing train of thoughts.

Ever read an email while talking on the phone? Ever "inserted" a word from the mail to the phone conversation without noticing and only realised it when your sentence lost its meaning? Well, that's the slip as far as I go.
The slip gives me a word or a snapshot of the ideas being processed. I only take note of the nature of the word: is it a positive one? Is it related to the current discussion? Is it a person? An object? As I said, just a clue that could mean something... Or not.

What's Missing?

The fight or flight response mentioned in the previous post can be a real friend for anyone who wants to spot lies. This response will give you the imporession something is missing almost as if you had forgotten something. However, most of the time the "noise" in the communication will cover this feeling and this is exacty why we fall for deception. It seems we never ask the questions we should.

As lies are common practice in my part part of the world and almost a must in the business environment I constantly have to ask this question. Usualy what's missing is quite obvious and prevents me from serious stress later on. A person presenting himself as well connected politically and wealthy shouldn't schedule a meeting at a local coffee shop and come to the meeting with a A class car (also known as small, average and cheap car). What's missing can aslo be action, a business woman who is supposed to manage a salesforce making over 3 million euros per month should have her cell phone ringing at least once over a 4 hours meeting.

Usualy people who are trying to deceive us will try to put some kind of pressure so we don't have time or aren't in the mental state to ask this question. That's why we fall for deals that are too good to be true.
The basic trule can be to handle every interaction as a seperate entity, who is the other party? What is the subject? what's at stake? what's the price? and What's missing?

Fight or Flight Response

The very basic instinct of any animal in any situation is to decide whether to "stay" or to "run". The same basic decision applies to any social situation we face and most of the time the decision is made in the subconcious level. The salesman entering a prospect's office will trigger one of these response which will result in a sale or loss. The same split second decision is also made when faced with a potential flirt, do we like them enough to get to know them better or do we give them the cold shoulder?

Paralinguistics can be used to generate a favorable decision in either case. A warm and genuine smile, slightly leaning toward the other person, standing on their right, using their names in any occasion are very basic signals we can give the other party so they don't give a "flight response".

In today's world we also have to consider the way we dress as a part of the non-verbal communication process. The basic rule is to "dress the part". We have general stereotypes in our heads, the salesman, the manager, the handyman... A failure to conform to these stereotypes will result in a "flight response" as they will notice something isn't right. Remember, the flight response of a prospect is the flight response of your commision.
Personal hygiene or accessories can also tip the balance in one direction or the other. A handyman wearing a rolex or grease stain on a salesman's tie can be considered as alerts. Just as the sun tan around your ring finger will be an alarm for any flirt you might think of having.

Half a communication

Body language can easily be understood only as a way for reading other people. We should however keep in mind that communication in its broadest sense has at least 4 components; the sender, the receiver, the message and the noise. At any moment all these are in action and they all affect each other.

When in the receiving position you have to adjust your body language in a way to encourage the sender. This can have the immediate effect of getting people to like you. It will also be helpful as people will be more eager to talk to you.

You should face the sender of the message, always or whenever possible, thus cars and movie theatres are a poor choice for communication.

You should also lean slightly toward the other person, keep eye contact and nod or smile accordingly. Smile usually works unless the subject is grim and the nod will keep them talking. When you nod, the sender of the message understands the message is going through and keeps sending new information. This avoids any interruption in the train of tought they'd usually make to get an input from you.

As a salesman, I know most of my sales are made by listening to the prospect and not going on for hours about some technical details of my products. Listening helps me first of all, better connect to the customer and gives me a better understanding of their needs.

Keeping track of your own body language while listening and trying to read the sender's body language at the same time can be challenging at first but it's very important. Your body language can affect the other person's body language thus misleading you on the reading. For example, people tend to mimic each other's gestures involuntarily thus, the other person might have crossed their arms because you just did it. One part's body language can only be half the communication.

Posture

Boxing has been a great help in getting at paralanguage. I find it rather easy to concentrate on the body language of my opponent when knowing I could take that right hook on my chin.

Besides the overall contribution one of the primary issues where I gained better understanding has been posture. Whether the opponent is leaning back or forward or whether I'm leaning in some direction. Whether I'm facing him directly or with a slight angle.

Posture can play a very important role in reading body language as it is one of the easiest signs to notice.
When talking with someone you can easily notice if they are leaning towards you which my be a sign of interest. Leaning backwards can be interpreted as "not really interested" or it can mean that the other party feels comfortable (it can even carry a hint of "territorialism" in a sense they feel at home).

You should also keep track of your own posture as any message you send with your body is received by the other party. These message won't always be interpreted but they will always be received and create a "gut feeling". So when seeming interest is to your advantage (a prospect, a flirt, or a friend) try to slightly lean towards them. This will also help create trust as you will be slightly getting closer (think proxemics) without entering the intimate area with your whole body, a rather nice compromise I'd say.

It's rather noisy

Noise has a very negative effect on communication and is a matter that should be dealt with.
Noise can be described as anything that is present in the communication apart from the communication itself. This can be coming from the outside such as background music, a failure in the GSM phone line or a loud conversation at the next table. But noise can also come from the inside, ever noiced how you stop listening when you start to think about something else? that's noise. Ever looked at the TV while your spouse was trying to tell you something? that's noise. Ever chacked your emails during the salespitch given? that's noise.
As you can see, noise is almost always present in some form or another.

We should be aware of the possible noises during communication and find a way to get rid of them if we want to be successful in delivering our messsage. We also need to keep the noise in mind when trying to get the most out of the communication, especially if you aim to understand if there is something else to it (a lie, a hidden feeling, a secondary agenda, etc...).

Physical posture can also be a source of noise.
Imagine trying to talk to someone as they are just leaving the office. You are both standing at the door, you trying to explain something, him only thinking of going home. You can also try to get someone sitting there with crossed arms to approach your idea. Again you and the other party are in totally different worlds as he is in a negative mindset while you try to pitch a new idea. A husband watching TV while his wife is talking about her cousin's newborn... Is there even a slight chance of any of that getting through?

In a perfect world removing any noise from the communication would be easy, you could just ask the husband to turn off the TV, ask the colleague to stay another 20 min, ask the other to stop checking her mails while you are talking or simply ask him to unfold his arms as you believe this will improve the quality of the communication.

But in the real world these could lead to direct confrontotions or an even more negative mindset.
The good news is that it's still rather easy to avoid the noise in communication. Wait until half time, rise the issue the next day when they are back at the office, give them a pen or paper so they have to uncross their arms to take it, etc...

The first rule about noise is similar to the rule about body language; know it exists and notice it.

You can spend a few days trying to point out noises in your everyday communications and you will be amazed at the amount of communication that is made in very "noisy" environments.

Liars

Trying to understand the real intention of people is possibly the real reason I got involved in paralanguage in the first place. As a salesman you have to be able to read the customer, see what they fear, what they like, what keeps them from giving you the order... basically, anything that stands between you and your commission.

I don't know if it's specific to the market I'm operating in or if it's the M.O. of any prospect out there but it seems that lying is primary reflex. There are many "tells" that gives lies away; the eyes, the posture, the hands, etc...
We know that hands play a very important role in body language, whether they are used to threaten someone, to accuse someone, to deny something, or anything else.

The "hand over the mouth" can be the first clue of a deception. Although very basic it still has to be handled with care as, for example, it can easily be confused with the evaluating gesture where the hand is also around the mouth. Context, context and more context then.

If someone covers their mouth while speaking with their hands, their fist or even just a couple of finger it's usualy a sign of deception. However, you can also see this when YOU are speaking which could mean that the other person isn't entirely conviced by what you are saying.

Reading the face

One of the basic examples given in the field of non verbal communication is certainly the "a smile that doesn't involve the entire face, but is limited to the mouth, is often a fake smile".
The face provides us with obvious and very concealed clues at the same time. The involvement of the forehead or timing difference between the speech and the emotions on the face can be easily spotted whereas other clues such as micro expressions are much harder to catch.

On a totally philosophical note; I believe stories are the most important form of communication. From cave paintings telling hunting stories to million dollar advertising campaigns, from the door-to-door salesman to the girl you just met, everyone is telling a story.

Or at least they try. Some have a good story and they tell it well so they succeed, others can't even put together a mediocre story so failure is guaranteed. In this perspective, deception is story telling.

There are many ways to understand if someone is lying and the easiest way is certainly face to face. Other situations involving telephone or emails can be more challenging. There are dozens of ways to understand if someone is lying in face to face situations but before getting to more complicated clues, eyes can tell a lot. Here we will focus on the direction the eyes look.

Just look at the drawing below;

To summarize;
1: Creating a visual scenario (making up images)
2: Creating an auditory scenario (making up sounds)
3: Feelings are involved
4: Remembering a visual situation (recalls something seen before)
5: Remembering an auditory situation (recalls something heard before)
6: Talking to self

These basic clues can be used in many different situations, please don't confine them to lie/truth situations. For example if someone goes from 1 to 6 when you are presenting a new project it can be a good sign; they have visualized it and are discussing the matter internally.

Don't forget to observe as many as people as you can, the truth is out there... on other people's face

Body Language Fundamentals

The non verbal side of communication has some similarities with the verbal part. One of the key points to consider when trying to understand non verbal communication is that at any given time the body is a sentence not a word.

The smile is a word, the crossed arms are another word but the message the body gives isn’t limited to either of them, it’s the way they come together that creates any meaning. A laugh can be a laugh, certainly, but when combined with tense body actions and eyes that seem to search for an exit, the laugh becomes a nervous laugh. Thus the difference between someone who enjoys your presence and someone who is desperate to leave.

In any situation, whether it’s trying to figure out a lie, call a bluff or know when it’s time to take the flirt to the next level, we should remember that no single gesture can have a meaning. The body language should be seen as a whole including the situation (context), the social and cultural background of the the other person, their motives, the “normal” behavior you should expect in this situation, the facial expressions, the micro expressions, the position of the body and gestures. Too much information to process? For most of us all these are already perceived and analyzed subconsciously on a daily basis. All these combined with several other elements make that, for example, you like some people the moment you meet them while you never get really comfortable around others.

The difficulty is to be able to process all these elements on a conscious level and reach a decision based on facts more than on your guts. Of course we have a hard time getting rid of all social and cultural preconceptions (not to say prejudice) you have accumulated so far.

The key to reading body language effectively is closely related to your observation skills. The best thing to do is to practice. Watch people around you at work, at the mall, at the restaurant, at the airport. Try to see the difference between the salesman who just closed and to one who just lost a customer. See how different the married couple and the young couple interact with each other at lunch.

The more you observe the easier you’ll see the differences, in fact you’ll “feel” them without really being sure what made you think this rather than that. But the why isn’t really important for now, just try to get the hang of observing people around you. We will complete the puzzle piece by piece as we go along. 

Territorial matters

On several occasions I experienced a very singular feeling during my school years. You might also remember “that moment when some other kid was sitting at your usual place when you where late to class”… weird wasn’t it? You were so used to sitting there that you didn’t even know you didn’t have a plan B when it came to matters of sitting order. 

I didn’t know back then that there was a science behind my weird feeling…

Proxemics…

Edward T. Hall used the term during his studies on zones of territories and their uses. Hall came up with 4 distinct zones in which we mostly operate:

1. Intimate distance: for lovers, children, close relatives and friends, etc.
2. Personal distance: Friends, colleagues, group discussions, etc.
3. Social distance: people met recently, strangers, etc.
4. Public distance: audiences, larger groups, etc.

The key here is to understand the value the other person is giving these distances and the “acceptable” distance for the situation you are in. The context is very important as we can’t have a proper “reading” regarding the zone otherwise. A member of the opposite sex can be in your “intimate zone” as a result of a flirt or it can be due to the fact you are in a crowded and loud bar where he/she has to be close so you can hear each other. 

Hall’s studies on the matter can be summarized with the following diagram:

You can conduct your own experiments on this matter very easily in your everyday life. Approach any stranger more than an arm’s length to ask for directions and see them take a step back… most of the time they won’t even notice what they did. Try to occupy more than your half of a cafeteria table when eating with a friend to see how uncomfortable you can make them… Although more confrontational arm rests at cinemas are also a good example. 

So what’s all this got to do with your desk back at school? it was part of your territory, just like you spot on the couch, the bench at the park, the seat in the meeting room…

Depending on the desired outcome of any negotiation you can choose to make the other person more comfortable or more uncomfortable just by respecting or disrespecting their territories.

Please note that this matter is very “culture sensitive” meaning that for example the “social zone” in the Middle East is about as wide as the “intimate zone” in western countries. As I said beware of the context.  

Paralanguage

Paralanguage can be described as the non-verbal part of a communication. After many years spent studying, reading, practicing, experimenting and failing at non-verbal communication I’m still amazed by the endless possibilities this field offers in our everyday life. 

The field itself extends way beyond the familiar “scratching your nose when you lie” or “play with your hair when you flirt” and these description can only be mediocre caricatures of everything the body tells during any conversation.

I like the idea of being able to use findings of this field for more than just catching a lie or perceiving a flirt. I like getting a customer to open up on the real concerns he/she has on finalizing the deal with us. I enjoy observing people, understanding their existing mindset and establishing a quick and strong bond with anyone in any social situation. 

So, let us start our journey that will cross paralanguage in all its splendor ranging from corporate communication to political propaganda, from door to door selling to down and dirty flirting tips… basically every communication that makes the world go around. 

Welcome all